my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
