I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
