I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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