the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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