You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
