my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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