You just made me feel so damn special
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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