the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
My vagina just recognized that song.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
