You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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