everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Randomize
