I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Randomize
