Even the bartender felt bad for me
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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