Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
