I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I will pee on everything he values.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Randomize
