So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
My vagina just recognized that song.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
