Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
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