sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
