I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Randomize
