I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
