you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
