my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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