he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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