girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize
