1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
you had me at cake vodka
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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