i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Randomize
