Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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