I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Randomize
