my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
