Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
