what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
