dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Randomize
