have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
