My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
