life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
