Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
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