And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
