You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
