You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
