Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
did i just pee glitter
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
