i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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