she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Randomize
