I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
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