I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
