6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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