I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
