Don't make out with my wife yet
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Randomize
