my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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