I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
