Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
