true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize