i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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