So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
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