i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
