Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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