Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
