i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Randomize
